How to become a ‘big cheese’

I haven’t been invited to a cheese and wine do for years. Is it because I have become unpopular, or are these sorts of functions put on just to get you to sign up to a committee and I am avoiding responsibility? It might just be that the canapé has usurped the cheese, I’m not sure. Thankfully the one thing that can never be taken from us is the wine.

I have been reading self-help books recently (yes – really), and I think I can analogise the gist of what they are saying well with the aid of comestibles.

Let’s take the concept of ‘the big cheese’ vs the little cheese.

Basically if you think of yourself as a small triangle of Dairylea cheese, you will be a small triangle of Dairylea cheese, forever to be wedged in with all the other little cheeses in a box with a lid, dying to get out of your restricted foiled world. If however you picture yourself as a mighty round of smelly blue and delicious Stilton, that is what you will become, but you must keep that picture in your mind at all times. Never picture yourself as a Dairylea wedge as that would be counterproductive. Don’t even think of yourself as a Babybel because as you know, you will be caught in a net, have your wax ripped off and then wolfed down in one go.

I would like to be savoured and eaten with wine which will complement my aroma and flavour – not eaten in a packed lunch by a five year old and washed down with a carton of apple juice (no disrespect to any five year old readers). I would like to be lovingly placed on a cheeseboard with other distinctive cheeses and raise a gasp when I’m put on the table. Apparently all I have to do is to affirm that I am a ‘big cheese’ as often as I can and it will happen.

Mr Clark would like to sell up and set up a cheese farm out west somewhere. A silly idea you may think, but if he really wants to make cheese, he should be allowed to make cheese. Perhaps he could make wine as well. Do you know that there are 432 commercial vineyards in England and Wales, and 124 wineries? Amazing when you consider the weather. www.englishwineproducers.co.uk And according to The British Cheese Board there are over 700 British cheeses produced in the UK www.specialistcheesemakers.co.uk

I am a ‘big cheese’… I am a ‘big cheese’…